Family Under Stress

This week as part of our preparation for class we had to make a list of ten crises that our family experienced and write what made them stressful. When I first sat down to do this assignment I thought that I wouldn't be able to think of ten things because I thought that my family never had any stressful crises. Wow I was so wrong. I realized that every family has crises. When I got to class my teacher started talking about how a crisis provides danger and an opportunity for a family, depending on how a family reacts to the situation. We then created a few categories on the board and ranked the list of things in each category. The categories we used were: That stunk! It's ok. We Managed. We're Better. Thank You! As we processed this as a class we found that the experiences we listed in the That Stunk! category a lot of them contained isolation and human error. We also noticed that the categories were progressive, some things may have started in the That Stunk! category but with time and perspective they may have moved up into the other categories. We found that the experiences in the Thank You! category were the ones where we had reached out for help from others, had an eternal perspective throughout and had respect for one another. One experience that I put in my Thank You! category was when my brother totaled our car with our younger brother in the car. As a family we went through the categories very quickly. At first we were all thinking This stinks, our car is totaled and the insurance is going to go up. Then after looking at how the accident happened we realized it was a miracle that both of my brothers were still alive and so was a man that had been walking his dogs on the sidewalk. We were so grateful that they had been watched over and that we were still together. It didn't matter that the car was totaled or that the insurance had cost more, what mattered was that we were still together and I feel like this experience brought our family closer together. The thing that I took away most from this lesson was that every time there is a crisis there are basically two roads to take: it can be a danger to the family and pull the family apart, or it can offer the family an opportunity to come closer together and build their relationships.

Intimacy

This week we talked about sexual intimacy in marriage...which was pretty awkward! The thing that I took away from this week that I want to share with everyone is the education on this topic that we provide our children. We talked about where most people in the class had learned about sex and a lot of them did not learn in their homes, they learned from tv or their peers at school. We talked about what we thought was the best way to teach our children. We also made a little list where we wrote down different ages and then wrote what we thought they should know about sexual intimacy. This made me think a lot about what I want to teach my children and how I want to teach them. I think it is good for Jordan and I to start talking now about what we want to teach our children in the future.

Parenting

So to be honest I only went to class once this week. I was really sick on Wednesday and stayed home and on Friday I had a lot on my mind and I really didn't want to be around a bunch of people at school (I know it sounds like a lame excuse but I just was not feeling it on Friday). This week was about parenting. I have a lot of mixed feelings about being a parent. I go to a school and church where I feel like everyone is telling me that I should have a baby now that I am married, and that we shouldn't wait because of finances or other stuff. On the other hand I feel like we just got married and are still adjusting to that and I don't really feel ready to be a parent at all. I am so scared to be responsible for someone else and guiding them to make good decisions and teaching them everything they need to know. I don't know how my parents do it! Scary! Anyways I was talking to Jordan about all my conflicting feelings and he said the best thing ever! (He is really the best ever! I love him more everyday! Ok mushiness is over) Basically Jordan told me that it does not matter what other people say, we can decide when we will start having children and that is a decision that we will make between just the two of us and our Heavenly Father and that's all that matters. What a relief! I hope that my kids will be like these kids and will know the true meaning of Christmas! Enjoy the cuteness!

Fatherhood and Finances

This week we talked a lot about finances and about fatherhood. I'm going to focus on fatherhood, because I'm kind of tired of all the financial talk. We only talked a little bit about fatherhood in class but we had an assignment to write a paper about fatherhood. I really enjoyed writing this paper because it gave me some time to reflect on my own dad and how he is involved in my life. If you don't know my dad, he is the best dad in the world, though I probably didn't think that when I was a teenager. My dad always made me feel like I could talk to him about anything and I could talk to him at anytime. He always shared stories from his own life, that taught him important lessons that were relevant to what I was experiencing. My dad never forced me to make any important decisions, he would tell me what he thought was best but left me to make the decision on my own and I was able to learn a lot this way, and it wasn't always the easiest way to learn things. I'm sure there were times when my dad would just want to tell me what to do to save me some heartache but he never did. He is really the best dad and a great guy. If you think he is really shy and quiet you should get to know him better, he is really funny and could probably tell you stories from his childhood that you would not expect. I love him :)

Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

When we talked about Communication and Problem Solving this week we talked about how the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles meets and we used it as a model of how to meet as a couple or family. I also thought this was really cool and wanted to share it. They meet every Thursday in the Salt Lake City temple. Everyone is ALWAYS there, (there was a period of time when one or two of them were not able to meet because they were out of the country on church business for about a year, but I guess they announced this to the whole church and found a way to still all meet together, I would guess by some form of Skype). Everyone comes early and they take the time to get to know each other and talk to each other, they build friendships and caring, loving relationships. Then they hold their meeting. When each topic is brought up each member talks about what they think of it, in order, and they make sure to do it in a loving way, with God's will in their minds. Then after their meeting is over they have some kind of refreshment and they are able to talk more and continue to build their friendships. I think this could be a good way to have a couple council or family council. To greet each other and help build your relationships and then pray before you start. Then let everyone take turns speaking and give everyone a chance to share their thoughts (in a loving calm way, no yelling). Then close the meeting with a prayer and have some treats after together and visit with each other. I think this will help families make the best decisions that they can and they will be closer together. Maybe Jordan and I will start doing this! My teacher also recommended a book called "Counseling with our Counsels" and he said it was a great book that goes through this model a little more in detail.

Transitions into Marriage!

This topic this week was like my life! I just got married and I feel like I am still transitioning into it. Some things we talked about that I thought were important were: Set up a foundation: this includes family rules, expectations and roles. Figure out who does what ans work together. Next: Build your "picket fence": this doesn't mean build a real fence. This is a figurative fence around your new little family. There's "holes or spaces" where people (like your family) can come in but there is a definite boundary. This provides separation, you may be thinking "but I don't like separation", this is a good kind of separation. You can still be close to your family but they don't have to know every single little thing about your life. Also: Figure out how you will deal with finances and how you will settle arguments. This week was so helpful! I was able to go home and talk to Jordan about some things that I learned that I thought we could do and I think we have improved a little bit!

Prep for Marriage

This week we talked about preparing for marriage, which I thought would not be that beneficial to me because I just got married. But I learned a few things and I realized I could still do this preparation even though I am already married. We talked a lot about things the couple can do to prepare for marriage and one thing that still runs through my head from time to time is "Inquire well". I'm not sure where I heard this but the speaker was talking about how important it is for couples who are contemplating marriage to inquire well, meaning that they should get to know each other very very well. Now I know from experience that you will not be able to know every single thing about a person before you get married, I still learn new things about Jordan all the time, but I think that you can learn a lot about a person and that this is really important. I can't think of any examples to illustrate what I am trying to say but you don't want to marry someone you just met and you only spend time watching movies or something like that where you don't really communicate or get to know each other. You could marry a stranger and be in for the shock of your life! (Ok getting married in general offers a lot of shock..at least for me it was a lot of change!)I guess what I learned this week is to just always try to get to know each other. Ask random questions like I do! I always ask Jordan random questions and he teases me a little for asking things out of the blue but he always answers and we talk about it! It's really fun. So ask lots of questions! And if you need help I was in the bookstore and saw a book that was like 300 questions to ask each other before you get married. If you google "questions to ask your boyfriend o girlfriend" you can get some...naughty questions so try to avoid that. Maybe ask people you now and admire what they think you should ask. Good luck and happy questioning!

Gender Gender

This week in class we talked about gender roles in families and in general. I really learned a lot this week. We were asked to watch a video before class on Monday that was about differences between men and women. Some people claim that gender roles are the result of social cues and that men and women are the same except for their biological differences. Social scientists have found that this is not true, and that men and women are different. They like different things and have different interests. On Friday we had more of a discussion about encouraging heterosexuality. We talked about several things that as future parents we can do to teach our children about the importance of gender differences and identity. These things were to: -teach at gender roles and at the promises associated with them -demonstrate a healthy marriage -be accepting of your children's interests and focus on the strengths of those interests -don't polarize gender -understand your children and teach proper principles -encourage friendships for your children and the skills of being friends -protect your children from sexual abuse -encourage your children to label themselves based on things that they like to do (artist, dancer etc.) Most importantly LOVE YOUR CHILDREN! always This discussion answered a lot of questions for me. I recently got married and as I have thought more about having a family and the way the world seems to be heading. I have really been wondering how I will be able to teach my children about the divine purpose and identity that we each have related to our gender. After class on Friday I have felt a lot better about how I will teach my children about gender roles.

Cultural Differences and Stress

This week in class we talked about how cultural differences effect families. On Friday we talked about how immigration effects families as well. We talked about how families who immigrate are usually closer together as a family, but some in some families roles within the family are altered as a result of immigration and this can lead to problems. We talked about how usually the father will immigrate first and try to save money to bring the rest of his family to him. While he is gone the family must compensate for his absence and they become closer together, when the whole family is reunited they have a hard time going back to "the way things used to be", or the father has a hard time fitting back in. We also talked about how any kind of stress felt by any family member will effect a family. This effect can be positive or negative depending on how the family reacts to and handles the stress. So the take home message for me was to find positive ways to handle my stress so I do not effect my family in a negative way.

Trends

This week in class we discussed current family trends. Some were more surprising than others but the one that I found most interesting is about household composition. The numbers of families with married couples, or male or female households are declining while the numbers of non-family households with male or female householders are increasing. I found this a really interesting trend because it seems like everything is starting to turn backwards in the world. The world seems to be getting away from family values, and the importance of family is not emphasized or discussed as much. More people are also cohabiting with each other before or instead of getting married. These and other trends make me really sad and scared sometimes. I wonder what the world will be like in ten years. What will families be like. There is some comfort in knowing that we are commanded to have families and that families are forever. I hope that I will be able to make just a small difference in someone else's family or be able to convince someone about why families are so important and vital.

Who Do I Want to Become?

During class on Friday we discussed all of the topics that we would like to learn more about this semester. The board was full of topics, some seem simple and other are so complex I have no idea how we are going to be able to learn about but at the end of class we started talking about how what we learn will effect us. Brother Williams ultimately asked us who we want to become by the end of this course then gave us a few minutes to write about. I just thought I would share what I wrote. At the end of this course I want to be a better me, and be able to find what works best for my family. I want to be able to figure out the best ways to communicate with my husband and our families. I want to be better prepared to teach my future children about building their own families as well as the importance for them to have a family. I want to be a better wife, a better future mother, a better daughter and daughter-in-law, a better sister and sister-in-law, and a better aunt. I want to be able to defend families not just with doctrine from the church but from research too, I know families are important because I grew up hearing that all the time but how can I convince someone outside of the church why families are so important. I also want to learn how to balance all my roles in my family (wife, daughter, sister, aunt).